i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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