How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
we're making bets on your personal life
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
