I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
