i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
