True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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