i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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