A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
