I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
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When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize