I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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