so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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