How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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