I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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