i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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