omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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