Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
