Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
