Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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