Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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