I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
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Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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