Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
