She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
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