My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
