im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
