just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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