he referred to my room as the tit cave...
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Pooping to opera.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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