I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
