I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I love having hate sex.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
