wakey wakey hands off snakey
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
