Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
