I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
