Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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