if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care