He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
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