I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
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