I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
It's official drugs can't kill me
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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