I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Everything about him screamed your future.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
