So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
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IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
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So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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