Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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