Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
