I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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