he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
