i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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