dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
