I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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