Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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