I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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