apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
