I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
