In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
