Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
