bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
