this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
