I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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