we have pet lesbian snakes
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
