i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
