Betty ford says i'm here all night
Is it because I queefed?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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