Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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