Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize