Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
