I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
