there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
