Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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