Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
