It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
